exo-

11 Mar

and i want to cross my arms

like an insect’s legs across my breasts;

and solder my hoodie

to my exposed skin

for the first time in three years.

and for the first time in three years,

my body is not

lofted by wings, but rather

a dessicated husk

with its hairs on end.

i’m different, because i build the cocoon

and fold my skeletal legs across my thorax

inside of it

and don’t bloom.

i was already a butterfly.

now, i am

an exoskeleton

filled with rot.

new symptoms bloom on my skin,

lilke bot flies.

quit laying your eggs

inside of me.

assailable

11 Mar

this isn’t about revenge, and i’m not out to

prove something.

this is about me, and my journey,

and my sorting through my

maze of scars,

so i don’t use his name.

i won’t say this to your face,

because however unassailable i am,

i am afraid most of all that you will still assail me.

but did you

10 Mar

it sickens me to think

that you could have

–no.

a damned thing

10 Mar

we hugged,

last time i saw you.

no.

what would i say this time?

i would say that i don’t

have to justify

protecting myself from you.

i wouldn’t say a damn thing.

I won’t shake your hand

10 Mar

because i’m no longer deluding myself,

and now it horrifies me thinking about

what you were doing to me

behind my back.

fifth flag Jesus

24 Feb

(a Swype poem)

Highbury knockdown, hubbub and ivy –

Rigid hush weights undid tufts,

Haughty Judas gagged only dovish knights

Divulging Bach and Elvis inks,

High gusts fuck sixth dying lockbox lights.

david

28 Jan

the movie wasn’t even

triggering

until hours later

when you started

to wonder

did he rape her?

thinking of the moment

you saw him gesturing at the

table and thought, no, felt he’s going to

rape someone.

and now hours later you

turn it over and over and over, the

kiss

the face the

hands

the chokehold

the empty room the girl

the grin the

off-camera and did he

did he rape her?

it’s him, he’s going to

go into her room, no, he’s

going to

find her in the hall, no, now she’s

don’t wander off

no

he’s going to

don’t let him find you

now she’s dancing and he’s going to

it’s him, that dark figure is

i knew it, it’s

did

he

did

he

this thought

eats itself up

and it could go forever because

did he

rape?

and like it matters but it does,

it does to you and your

self-triggering mind and google

doesn’t have all the answers,

and nobody else watched this movie and

nobody else

seemed to care.

nobody else but you

and you can’t get to

sleep

because

that’s what a trigger does to you.

and you can’t get to sleep because

you can’t get to

just have to

hasn’t anyone

did he

rape

that

girl?

you can’t let it

go until

you

know.

can’t let it

go

until