am i allowed to mourn myself?

2 Nov

dxm

and skullcap,

i tell myself

that my drugs of choice aren’t that bad,

that juice and brownies can take the

edge from what they are and make it

okay,

especially compared to my usual favorites

of canyons 1/4 of a centimeter

across, and pediasure in my closet

to keep my punishments from killing me.

i’m terrified

of dying.

 

not that i’m going to quit those things.

 

i scared myself last night,

explaining to brody my plan to

commit living suicide,

to kill every part of myself that feels.

 

but that’s okay, because one day i won’t feel

fear anymore.

only rage.

it won’t be scary anymore

how easy it is to succeed

so quickly. how easy it is

to ice someone out with terse

and distant

anger.

to kill the warmth i always was,

freeze it over and light up

instead the soulless fires of the damned.

 

we decided that we’d burn together,

we’d sit in cemeteries and rot from the inside out.

 

let me pretend it’s healthy

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