dxm
and skullcap,
i tell myself
that my drugs of choice aren’t that bad,
that juice and brownies can take the
edge from what they are and make it
okay,
especially compared to my usual favorites
of canyons 1/4 of a centimeter
across, and pediasure in my closet
to keep my punishments from killing me.
i’m terrified
of dying.
not that i’m going to quit those things.
i scared myself last night,
explaining to brody my plan to
commit living suicide,
to kill every part of myself that feels.
but that’s okay, because one day i won’t feel
fear anymore.
only rage.
it won’t be scary anymore
how easy it is to succeed
so quickly. how easy it is
to ice someone out with terse
and distant
anger.
to kill the warmth i always was,
freeze it over and light up
instead the soulless fires of the damned.
we decided that we’d burn together,
we’d sit in cemeteries and rot from the inside out.
let me pretend it’s healthy